My phone started blowing up milliseconds after a Jem & the Holograms reboot was announced.  Friends sent me the news with an urgency that suggested my life would never be the same.

Now, I loved Jem as much as any future art-freak punk rock girlchild– but analyzing the Holograms vs Misfits subtext reveals some capital B Bullshit.  The Misfits were confident, aggressive, ambiitous– and villains.  The Holograms were man-focused, glamorous good girls who failed the Bechdel test in every episode.  A show with so much supposed girlpower actually enforces in the subtlest of ways many social constraints women face on the regular.

“She’s a Bad Influence,” duet with Jem & the Holograms and the Misfits

One destructive aspect of girl-culture is woman-on-woman hate.  Backstabbing, gossiping, exclusion, and the like.  Women, despite having elevated communication skills and strongly developed empathy, are socialized to avoid verbalizing their feelings.  You’re a drama queen.  A bitch.  Bossy.  Aggressive.  So when conflicts arise, women are more likely to discuss the issue with other individuals than the one they are conflicting with.  This is the least productive way to resolve issues, and given the sensitive, empathic nature of emotional female hardwiring, the most destructive way to address unhappiness.

“She’s a Bad Influence” exemplifies this power dynamic.  “She” of the song is nowhere to be seen, indirectly addressed, totally shit on by everyone involved.  Ganging up on a single girl unites rivals and offers relief that “it’s not me.”  I’m feeling for the bad influence here, who’s probably suffering from depleted self-esteem, emotional damage, and suicidal impulses.

“You Oughta See The View From Here,” the Misfits

“This is the place we belong, up at the top… It’s fabulous, and so are we!”  Girl power incarnate.  Yet.  Given the “bad” label placed on the Misfits, the song’s braggadocio isn’t about empowerment.  It’s a vilification of female self-confidence, cemented by the offended, shocked, SHOCKED reactions from heteronormative city folk.  The taxi driver with his “dreams so small” and the little old lady with a face full of Misfits flyer are furious with the women who dare to fly.  Only the Misfits’ weird-ass punk fans celebrate their message of ambition.

“Like A Dream,” Jem and the Holograms

Contrast the bad-girl song with heroine Jem’s good-girl servitude.  “Like a dream… that is coming true.  I will lead you to a place you’ve never seen.”  There’s no agency for Jem in this video.  Her persona literally disappears multiple times, with the attention focused on the male and his attempts to capture her.  What’s more, the entire storyline of man as aggressor and woman as seductive temptress is fueled by Jem’s desire to harm the conventionally unattractive Misfits.  Moral being: pretty and elusive’s better than interesting and empowered.

I’m betting this Jem and the Holograms reboot’s going to be a terrible piece of shit, but honestly?  The original wasn’t much better.  MISFITS FOREVER.